An Oldie and Moldy....

Originally posted at the other place on 12/13/05.


The Vengeful Dog Walker: A Short Play in Two Acts

I am sometimes petty. And from time to time I can be vindictive.

I was looking at satellite photos of New Orleans tonight and was checking out the post flood condition of the neighborhood where I lived some years ago when I was reminded of my sometime vindictive nature...

Dramatis Personae: Me, My dogs Jake and Kelly, Redneck Asshole

Act I
Redneck asshole lived just around the corner from me. He was fanatical about the care and appearance of his lawn. One day, while walking my dogs past his house, my puppy Kelly happened to wander about 6 inches onto the lawn of Redneck Asshole to sniff at something. Redneck Asshole happened to be on his front porch and exploded into an apoplectic rage complete with red face and near incoherent screaming. Even though I apologized and scooped up Kelly before she could perchance evacuate onto the pristine grass...the rage continued with the threat to kill me and my dogs with his shotgun.

I said nothing more.

Act II
I let six weeks pass.I bought a plastic spray bottle of Round-Up Grass and Weed Killer.I began walking my dogs late at night while wearing a sweatshirt with one of those pouches in the front for your hands. Except instead of my hands...I concealed the grass killer inside.

As I walked past the abode of Redneck Asshole each night I would casually spray the poisons from inside their hiding place and onto the lawn of our villain.I did this every night for 10 days. I surreptitiously examined the damage. I spied Redneck Asshole working to repair the huge swaths of brown, dead grass that slashed through his prized lawn like saber scars.

Over the next few days he had to reseed, resod, whatever the hell a person does to bring an immaculate lawn to fruition. I drank in his obvious anger like sweet nectar.I let two months pass and I did it again. And again. And again.

At least five times each year for the next three years.Jake and Kelly were also complicit. Since I worked nights I would feed them a huge dinner in mid afternoon...ensuring they'd be percolating all night and eager to use their vast leavings to further sully the lawn of Redneck Asshole.

Looking back, I'm a little embarrassed by my behavior...my inability to let go a simple verbal transgression. Had I not moved after three years I probably would have continued.I feel no guilt though. None. In fact, I still laugh about watching this guy worry over his ruined lawn.

I wonder how many character defects this post points to?